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i cant handle my moody boyfriend
my boyfriend is so moody i can barely stand it. every couple of months he gets into this weird distant mood. if i'm in a bad mood (and it's not related to him), if he calls me on it i try my best to express that i'm NOT mad at him, X Y and Z are stressing me out, and I'm sorry that i'm being moody and I will try not to affect him with it.
well, my bf has been moody for a few days now and i really don't think it's anything i've done (although he alluded to a few things i did that "annoyed" him, but he claims he doesn't remember what they were, and they were "just small" and "not worth talking about").
anyway, i called him last night and asked what was wrong, b/c he didn't call all day long and turns out he was sitting at home watching a DVD we were going to watch together. he says Nothing is wrong, and there's nothing wrong in our relationship, nothing's wrong nothing is wrong. but i KNOW something is wrong b/c he's behaving differently. and he was just so dismissive and sounded like he didn't want to talk to me at all, i got mad and we ended up exchanging angry words.
he called me at work today, and just starts chatting like NOTHING happened last night. i explained that i was mad because i felt he was snotty last night when i was just trying to figure out whether something was the matter.
then he got angry and started going on a rant about how all he wanted to do was say hello when he called, and exchange pleasantries, and he feels like i'm constantly badgering him when there's nothing the matter, and i was attacking him last night, and he feels like i can't accept that there is nothing wrong, or nothing anyway that has to do with me, or nothing that he feels like talking to me about. and he says that there's one or two things that pissed him off at work, but it's nothing he wants to share. and he feels like its disrespectful for me to keep asking him, and can't i just stop badgering him about it? why can't i just give him a little mental space--sit on the couch and not say anything? he pointed out that i advised my friend last week to leave her bf alone for a night b/c they had had an intense discussion the night before, and then he said something like, why don't you take your own advice? why can't i just take it at face value that nothing is wrong and let it go? and then he said, now that i called i'm getting angry, and i have to go.
and i'm really upset because i feel like he's being selfish. just because you're stressed out doesn't mean you get a free pass to treat everyone around you like *****. and he never considered that maybe his moodiness/distance was affecting me. his attitude seems to be, just leave me alone, i'm in a bad mood, you're pissing me off more by asking about it, i'm going to sit here on one side of town and you sit on the other and you just have to wait until i get over it. OK, that's fine if your mood lasts two hours. but three or four days??
it DOES affect other people when you're in a bad mood. when i called all i wanted him to say (nicely) was, oh, X is bothering me and it has nothing to do with you. but when you say in an impatient, nasty voice, nothing's wrong, and insinuate that i'm crazy/annoying/drunk for asking, it doesn't do anything to allay my fears!
the other thing is that, in the past, when he gets in these moods, it often has to do with something i've done. he'll be moody/distant for a number of days and then at the end of it, approach me with some problem/concern that he has. and so when he was asking me today why i couldn't just take his word for it that nothing was wrong, i told him that he has a track record of harboring problems all the while insisting that nothing's the matter. and he responded--well see, then you should know that if there IS something wrong, which there isn't, you can't do anything to make me talk about it before i'm ready. so stop asking. is it just me, or is it bizarre that he's getting so angry that i'm asking whether he's OK?
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- 13 Comments
- A lot of guys are like that.They don't want to pestered with questions after a hard days work.They like to chill out,eat,relax,and then when they get relaxed they like to talk about their day.I don't think its worth fighting about.Not everybody can just talk about their problems at just any old time.And I don't think one should be forced to.If I were you ,I would just stay laid back for awhile and not initiate any conversation.Let him do all the talking.Let him be the star and only give back minimum feedback for a while.#1; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:49:00 GMT
- Get rid of this guy. Moodiness only gets worse as time goes on, and it will drag down your relationship. If he can't communicate, get someone better.#2; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:50:00 GMT
- This is so funny (in a non-comical way). I have the same problem with my bf, we've been together for over 10years. As it turns out, I got so sick of his attitudes and non-chalance afterwards that I looked all over for answers; is it me? Am I doing something wrong? It all brought me to the realization that he is "verbally and emotionally abusive" I read the books and it was like reading my own story. I talked to him about it and he keeps saying he'll "try" to not be so moody. It's not really working and right now I'm seriously considering breaking up. I just don't know if I'm making the right decision, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore as our personalities have combined so much during the years, and I'm afraid I won't find another person to share my life with. He is a really good guy over all, but I do find that I've changed A LOT, I'm a lot more somber,angry, self conscious, when I used to be a very happy-go-lucky type person. I can't say this is what's happening with you, but take it from me, it just gets worse and it really kills your spirit, it drags you down even if you try your darnest to maintain a peppy and happy attitude. It hurts a lot in the end and it's not fair to be treated that way.
I agree with the previous poster either give him a lot of space and see what happens. If it's an "abuse" type thing, he will do it again within a month, even though he may not even know he's doing it. It's a way of controlling you emotionally. Read up on it and decide if this is something you want to keep putting up with.
Good luck!#3; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:51:00 GMT
- uglynow--i'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. it's really funny you mention verbal and emotional abuse--i bought an e-book yesterday titled The Emotionally Abusive Relationship : How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing.
i read through it, and some points hit home, some didn't, you know how it goes. the stuff that goes on between us is nowhere near as severe as the case histories that they present, but there are enough similarities to make me feel uncomfortable. his particular schtick seems to be the withdrawing/cold shoulder/cold war/silent treatment--especially after a fight. he's also fond of the sarcastic put-down joke that isn't funny. he's utilized other cute tricks from time to time (pouting if he doesn't get his way, chastising me for inappropriate behavior, and unsolicited "guidance" on topics that are none of his damn business).
the weird thing is that i know my bf really loves me. (and i don't mean that in a barefoot and pregnant, baby on the hip, black eye, if only i didn't make him so mad way). i do think that he is verbally/emotionally abusive in some ways, though.
i think i'm going to schedule an intervention. i've written out a list of 13 things he says or does that i'm not going to accept from him anymore. i'm just wondering what sort of "club" i'm going to carry--what can i do to "enforce"? i hope he responds well. let me know your thoughts.#4; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:52:00 GMT
- Get out now. I'm sure your bf does love you but he loves abusing you, too. You will *never* be able to give him enough space; whatever you do will bug him. If he doesn't call you, and you just let it go for a few days, he'll be mad that you don't care enough to call him. If you *do* call him, you're bugging him or nagging him or not trusting him. It will never stop.
Intervention? Don't bother. He is *never* wrong - that'll be the bottom line.
The little put-downs? The digs, the "jokes", the sarcasm, the unwarrented advice? These are all designed to break you down. Go now. He will suck the very life out of you.#5; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:53:00 GMT
- Hi there- sorry for ur troubles.
It sounds like he has an abusive trait. Or maybe hes just not normal- it depends if you want to help him- and Please get him help if you stay, dont put urself through any form of abuse- just leave.
and abusive tendancies are usually followed by the i love you stuff. Thats why its so confusing for you now.
Dont let urself feel uncomfortable around him. If he doesnt change after all the things u've pointed out to him to help him....ur efforts are worthless so just Leave.#6; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:54:00 GMT
- Men don't want to talk about their problems. They just want you to act like nothing is the matter and take their s#*t. So, get used to it .#7; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:55:00 GMT
- Men don't want to talk about their problems. They just want you to act like nothing is the matter and take their s#*t. So, get used to it .
Ha ha, aint that the truth!#8; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:56:00 GMT
- well, he can kiss my a** if he thinks i'm going to get over it, or even take one minute more of it.
i've been reading the books, etc, and it's so true. i really don't know why i've let him get away with this for so long. i don't care how your mother raised you--it is NOT RIGHT to "be in a bad mood" for 3 days.
and you do NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to be in a bad mood for three days without accounting for it to your partner. (not that he has to have a concrete reason, but you at least have to admit that you are in a bad mood and you have to admit it nicely. no snapping, no accusations of badgering/attacking). i'm only asking because i care.
I don't care how your mother treated your father--it is UNACCEPTABLE to give someone the silent treatment without telling them why.
it is UNACCEPTABLE to make snide, sarcastic remarks about me, whether we're in public or in private.
it is UNACCEPTABLE to correct me in front of others.
the intervention is tonight.#9; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:57:00 GMT
- Keep us posted, hon. Good luck to you.#10; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:58:00 GMT
- Maybe he feels its useless trying to explain his silent treatment.It might be about something hes discussed over and over with you in the past and has not been understood or may have just resulted in an arguement making things worse.I know where the silent treatment comes from cause I have done it myself.You feel you just can't talk to your loved one because they won't understand or they constantly get mad or not even care about what your feeling.#11; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:59:00 GMT
- Boys/Guys/Men are MOODY too.........
Just like us woman. THEY too PMS but they would NEVER EVer admit to it.
Men in a bad mood - don't know how to communicate it - only down the road, a few days, few weeks they will express it...........
We woman, when in a bad mood or PMSing we express it right at the moment.
When they are ready to discuss it they will. Also, they are more ashamed of their MOODSWINGS - but, they will NEVER admit to it.........
Continuing to ask if everything is ok only annoys them.........I've learned to just ignore that Moodness time with my own husband........I don't allow it to effect me anymore. When he wants to talk about it I'm there, then when he doesn tell me - it's so dumb - but being the "supportive" wife I listen to him and encourage his feelings...............
I wouldn't take it to heart when he's moody - WE all have our moments.
I too sometimes just don't want to talk about Why I'm in a Bad Mood and I can't stand when my husband continues to ask what's wrong, I'm just trying to sort out my feelings (which has NOTHING to do with him) family problems,
my son, dealing with my job, friends, just dumb things that effect us.......
If he's taking out HIS moods on you - that's different but being his girlfriend that's who men AND WOMAN tend to take out life's frustations on.......
Just an FYI -even my teenager Son gets MOODY (kind of funny at times)
It's uncontional love that we put up with it, let them DEAL with their moodness in there own way.........Always let him know you there for him if he wants to talk....If he doesn't want to put Lifetime for Woman on, read a book, ignore it, or go shopping - you don't have to deal with it just let the moodyness pass................#12; Mon, 17 Dec 2007 17:01:00 GMT
- i really can really relate. it's sooooo unfair. i always do the controlling. i just keep silent whenever my boyfriend has a bad mood. its always me. im getting tired.i love him but he always do that. there was a time while we were laughing and enjoing.. i confronted him about his attitude. he said sorry and all.. but after a month, he does the same thing again. He treats me like im not worth anything. he sumtimes hang up with me on ym. Its really hurting me.. Everytime we argue, even though its not my fault, i get a feeling that he's blaming me. Arrrggghhh!! i hate it!!! he even asked me to delete my facebook account several times already. i just agree with him for him to calm down. I sooo wanna break up with him.... but i cant coz i really love him.we've been together for 7 years now.#13; Sat, 07 Feb 2009 23:40:00 GMT